Some days

Some days I don’t want to think about being black.

Some days I just want to be a woman. I want to have perfect intuition and laugh with my girlfriends and buy nice things and pamper myself and cook for my family.

Some days I just want to be a wife. I want to love my husband and get giddy when he walks in the door.

Some days I just want to be a mom. Who worries about her kids falling too hard and hurting themselves.

Some days I just want to be a hard worker. I want to show up for work. Give people hell when they need it and go home knowing I’ve done a great job.

But for me, this has never happened.

I’m always a black woman. My mother-wit and intuition birthed creation but is called into question when I say I’m offended by someone’s microaggression. Me and my girls have to check out the spa to see if they will actually know what do do with our skin or hair. And when we want to buy nice things we are followed in stores or asked a thousand times if we need help—or not at all. Cooking a nice healthy dinner may mean paying more for our groceries because they aren’t in our neighborhoods or the prices are jacked up.

I am a black wife. I worry every time my husband leaves to go do regular stuff like get gas, pick up pizza, go for a drive because I’ve stressed him out. And I’m excited every time my man comes in the door because he made it back home safely. He’s not a hashtag.

I’m a black mom. I always worry if the kids will be nice to my children. I wonder if I can trust their parents to be allies and defend my babies if something goes wrong. I wonder if people will remember they are just little girls and they need extra grace and love and compassion.

I’m a black employee. I have learned to code switch. I enter the work place knowing I have the skills and education to do the job. But I can’t be too aggressive. And if I really want to be heard, I should tell a man who doesn’t look like me so no one takes offense.

I love being black. I love my heritage. I love my brown skin and curly hair. I love me. I just hate that so many people are offended by it. And I hate that it is so hard to show up everywhere as the me I want to be.